When word oozed out last month that both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders might be considering another run for the presidency, I admit my first thought was “Nothing could be worse.”
I voted for Clinton, and I think she’d make a good president, but … you know. Last time around, she somehow managed to lose to a guy who had the maturity of a petulant adolescent, the temper of Yosemite Sam, the bluster of Foghorn Leghorn, the sensitivity of a burlap condom and the nastiness of an enraged honey badger, and physically resembled a Baby Huey pear-shaped punching bag. And Bernie Sanders — well, he had lost to the person who had lost to that guy.
But then I second-guessed myself. After canvassing some friends, I decided I was being unfair: There are lots of ideas worse than a Clinton or Sanders candidacy:
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Carbonated chicken soup.
“Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road Day”
Replace the seventh-inning stretch with … nap time.
Stormy/Trump: The Porno!
Trump in Russia: The Porno!
Habanero enemas.
Seeing-eye rhinoceroses.
Gefilte fish ice cream.
A new comedy album perfect for the holidays: “Bill Cosby, Live From the Mess Hall in the Pennsylvania State Prison System.”
Destroying your Google suggestions for months by ordering hemorrhoid treatments online.
NFL in the nude.
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Peanut-flavored EpiPens.
Leaving your cake out in the rain unless you are absolutely sure you have the recipe.
Replacing the bald eagle with fried chicken as the national bird.
An Annette Funicello and the Mouseketeers tribute band.
A My Little Hair Dryer bath toy.
Appointing Triumph the Insult Comic Dog ambassador to Mexico.
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Allowing your child to play with the family gerbil and the salad spinner simultaneously.
Holocaust trading cards.
Casting Danny DeVito as James Bond.
New Olympic sport: Forest raking.
Yellow-and-brown underpants.
Supreme Court kegger night!
Trump running for president again.
Thanks to: Christopher P. Larsen, Larry Levine, Dixon Wragg, Jennifer Broadway, Cindi Caron, Randy Lee, Robert Schechter, David Kleinbard, Neil Versel, Kathleen Giotta Delano, Frank Yuen, John Holder and Cynthia Cotten.
Email Gene Weingarten at weingarten@washpost.com.
Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.
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